Friday, August 4, 2017

Pure pursuit

All of my published and self published work
A poetry blog with almost 2000 poems
The Amazon page for my work

Untamed passion to pursue something good is a very rare and wonderful thing.  A lack of passion for pursuing something good is a bad thing.  Untamed passion of a pure pursuit of evil, is very dangerous. And a lack of passion following something evil is modestly good, since evil shouldn't be pursued at all.

I have spent my life pursuing a variety of things.

Love.  My world was often painted black, by depression, by fear, by being hurt so often.  So, I needed but rarely found love.  I need it, as anyone human does.  I've often said, until I knew my wife loved me, I had no guarantees that I had ever felt loved.  (Rightly or wrongly).  Until I had my son, I had never experienced joy.   I don't know anything about other people's pursuit of love, of joy, but I can say, for me, it healed me.  I had many wounds, and being loved and experiencing joy made my appreciation of the love and joy, all the greater.

I pursued a number of goals related to finding the tools I would need to find the answers to numerous question.  I needed to understand things like how to type, how to write papers for academia, and things like how to perform research and more recently how to utilize the internet for your research.  I was never a student who cared about grades, I just wanted to know and use what I had learned.

I pursued an answer to the question, 'Why do we exist?'.  I went to university for more years than I should have, in the sense of the "four year degree" for me was not a goal, at all.  I took classes that moved me, not those that I had to do so.  As a child of rape, given up for adoption, there were many mysteries in my life.  Finding out things like, human history, or literature or art, allowed me to emotionally understand a variety of questions.

I pursued an answer to the connected questions, 'What is holy and who is God?'. I've read hundreds of books wherein the questions I asked were considered.  I sought to know God.  I sought God because I believed that he was at the core of truth I needed to know.  I read the Buddhist, Zen, Hindu sacred texts along with those of Christianity.  My search encompassed areas of philosophy and logic that were so deep my brain hurt.  And, following these searches, I believe that I understand God, and have pursued the moral and ethical means of joining God when I die.

I pursued sanity.  Suffering from depression since as early as I can remember, I sought medical advice to overcome.  I did overcome but I was also outspoken about my path of healing.  I believed, and still do, that if you make known your issues to begin with, the people who would use it against you, would be clearly marked.  I also have advocated for a variety of people locally, as well as have been told by more than 5 people that I saved their lives, because they were going to commit suicide prior to my speaking with them.  Whether that is true or hyperbole, I don't know.

I sought to be healed from PTSD.  Although I did the many things people are supposed to for such a thing, I still experience this.  Sometimes it keeps me awake, such as a few times in the last few weeks.  I am averaging 5 nights of sleep every 7 nights, since the 2nd of January.

“In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within
me there lay an invincible summer.”  Albert Camus 

And, I pursue poetry.  So I've read and written such for over 45 years.  I cover that so often I do not need to go much further.

And what does all of that mean?  Did I really answer those questions, did I truly believe, did I become sane?  I think so.  But I am not certain by any means.

I believe that my search, my pursuit of all of these things will end only upon my final breath.  The Civil War general Robert E. Lee was said to have said, "The education of a man is never completed until he dies."  I believe in thisI sought in life to learn.  I think that much has been achieved.

There are many people who helped me survive this life.  And I would be gravely mistaken to list some but not all.  And with my memory issues being what they are, I would definitely forget some.  So let us agree that, all people are in need to a quest, a pursuit, to fulfill themselves, and I was jackpot lucky to have help from a variety of great people along the way.

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