How then can a person so insular, not selfish but so introspective that he refuses to believe what others tell him, even with regard to body language and things people outright say? In high school I saw people flirting, playing love games, all sorts of things, and there were so many people doing this I tried to watch and understand. What I found out was that under no circumstances was I ever going to figure it out. I was not able to share enough of me with anyone because I couldn't find the other person worthy of entering my secret chamber, because to find them I had to know more than my efforts would or could reveal. I wasn't willing to try out different partners. I wasn't interested in going through the social dance that had to be done.
From my perspective, I am a person who is INFJ on the MBTI, an adoptee who felt rejected by the birth mother, birth father as well as his adoptive father, and was raised to be morally perfectionist, would not be able to open his heart enough to let love flow in. So, knowing I could not experience entry level relationships through dating, I had to assume a position of finding friends who would be my eye upon the world, and hope to find friends who could evolve into romantic loves. This was not a plan based upon the success of others, but of the exceptionally isolation and alone-ness that being me caused. I was not/am not gay, or bi-sexual, I truly was never attracted to any person who was not female. When I realized that my friends were people I could grow worthy of being someone who could be loved, I then was able to take comfort there, and to bask in the friendship, knowing the future was/is unwritten.
My future wife, Beth, was a Canadian redhead, brilliant, big hearted, and both kind and possessed of a mind that fascinated, as well as confounded. At the time we became friends it was my fear that I was falling in love because she was female, and not because of her many wonderful qualities. That is, she deserved to be loved by someone for the many great qualities she had rather than due to a vacancy on the list of potential mates. So, at the same time that I was trying to know her, I was fighting attraction, because she deserved someone who was healthy, happy and whole, and that was very much not me. For a variety of reasons, I was broken. I was not able to graduate from childhood to teen, from teen to adult without being wounded and disabled by numerous events and circumstances that caused damage.
I do not care who is to blame. Blame doesn't make things go away, in fact, it inhibits the desire to overcome the problems. So, this isn't about blame at all.
I went through a great many emotions dealing with the fact that not only was I attracted to my future wife, she was also all of the aspects of human that I admired, and loved. Her greatest feature is her enormous love for children and desire to help others. She made me wish to become a better more moral person. I aspired to be worthy of her, and never thought the reverse, that she needed to be worthy of me. When I looked into her eyes I saw my future with her.
I've written this entry to explain myself since there are many people who read my poetry and comments and assume. I can't say I love you to a friend without it being assumed to either be romantic, towards females, or gay, towards males. Various women have written to me telling me that they know my love poem was written to them. It wasn't. It never was. And, I joke in many ways that are considered risque, but that doesn't mean there is intent or seriousness behind the words.
I love my wife. I have never cheated. I never will. Whatever the flaws in my wife and my relationship, I could not see anything but us together as a future result. We agreed never to divorce prior to our marriage. We vowed it before each other and God. Because this world assumes that making money is a moral obligation, the role of me as a writer making little money was difficult. And for about 5 years my wife seemed bitter towards me due to the lack of money. I felt the lack of love, and I was foolish enough to no longer look at our future and instead only thought of my need for love. It hurt us, and I was wrong to be anything but her best friend and lover. I am happy to say, whatever mistakes that have happened, no longer happen.
It requires a mature sort of love to accept vast difference between partners, to survive 30 years together. I am not easy to love. Beth is not easy to live with, although she is easy to love. I am not perfect, nor, even, close to almost perfect. I am flawed. But I can say, after all this time, we are still in love, we are happy as a partnership, and I still see her as beautiful as she ever was before we were married.