Friday, November 25, 2016

Not a Pastor, but a warrior.

So, I was told once or twice I should try to enter the ministry and be a pastor.

I am far too foul a creature to teach, to be a mentor, or to be a paragon of virtue.  I speak in the language of the world, not of angels.  I am foul, and I foul the air with belches and farts.  I am aware of all things human that are visceral, and venal.  So I might be able to point to the things that are good, and recognize those that are bad.  I might be able to suggest what a good man looks like... but my walk is idiosyncratic.  I've been broken, although I've tried to be what I believe is called for by God.  So, my personal walk is one that is bound by honor, and what my understanding of the word of God is.  I don't really expect those who aren't moved or who don't understand the same to live by it.  I never judge others for what I judge myself for.  I've been made aware of my sins, and I try to make myself better, and I am forgiven by the grace of God alone.  I know who I am, and who I am is not one who in public assumes others should follow me.

My walk is lonely.  My path is narrow.  And while I am very aware of where I am going, I realize how difficult it has been, and how difficult it will be.

Speak and live the truth.  Others will find fault in it, but you, perhaps you alone, but you will know the truth.

An artist I know failed on numerous occasions after having made agreements and had made me sign contracts.  My work was done, long in advance.  But his?  His was not.  He reached the end of the contract period and tried to say we were equal in the failure and effort, but it was not true.  He insisted, and when I said no, you are wrong, he said I was mentally ill.  I might well be, but not for that.  The truth is that in this world if you are righteous, no matter what you do, others who are not, will consider you to be insane or mentally ill.  It is simply a label that they find easy to apply.

Now we know he was wrong, but, was I blameless in the matter?  Due to a number of events in my life I was not forgiving.  And for that I was very wrong.  Factually I was correct, but in my heart, I was stubborn and very much holding a grudge.

There were of course reasons for that, but, it doesn't matter.
I needed to forgive.

So, along with knowing the truth, and walking a narrow a path, one must be forgiving of others.  And I am not always.  I fail.  I am deeply flawed.

But someday, maybe not soon, I will be perfected.  Someday...

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