Friday, November 25, 2016

Not a Pastor, but a warrior.

So, I was told once or twice I should try to enter the ministry and be a pastor.

I am far too foul a creature to teach, to be a mentor, or to be a paragon of virtue.  I speak in the language of the world, not of angels.  I am foul, and I foul the air with belches and farts.  I am aware of all things human that are visceral, and venal.  So I might be able to point to the things that are good, and recognize those that are bad.  I might be able to suggest what a good man looks like... but my walk is idiosyncratic.  I've been broken, although I've tried to be what I believe is called for by God.  So, my personal walk is one that is bound by honor, and what my understanding of the word of God is.  I don't really expect those who aren't moved or who don't understand the same to live by it.  I never judge others for what I judge myself for.  I've been made aware of my sins, and I try to make myself better, and I am forgiven by the grace of God alone.  I know who I am, and who I am is not one who in public assumes others should follow me.

My walk is lonely.  My path is narrow.  And while I am very aware of where I am going, I realize how difficult it has been, and how difficult it will be.

Speak and live the truth.  Others will find fault in it, but you, perhaps you alone, but you will know the truth.

An artist I know failed on numerous occasions after having made agreements and had made me sign contracts.  My work was done, long in advance.  But his?  His was not.  He reached the end of the contract period and tried to say we were equal in the failure and effort, but it was not true.  He insisted, and when I said no, you are wrong, he said I was mentally ill.  I might well be, but not for that.  The truth is that in this world if you are righteous, no matter what you do, others who are not, will consider you to be insane or mentally ill.  It is simply a label that they find easy to apply.

Now we know he was wrong, but, was I blameless in the matter?  Due to a number of events in my life I was not forgiving.  And for that I was very wrong.  Factually I was correct, but in my heart, I was stubborn and very much holding a grudge.

There were of course reasons for that, but, it doesn't matter.
I needed to forgive.

So, along with knowing the truth, and walking a narrow a path, one must be forgiving of others.  And I am not always.  I fail.  I am deeply flawed.

But someday, maybe not soon, I will be perfected.  Someday...

Saturday, November 19, 2016

I exist. Therefore what the hell...

The world has confused me for the last 30 years.  When I was 15-25 I thought I knew everything.  At the moment I have not one clue who I am.

I write, but, I am not, I think, a writer.  I write poems, and I think about Poetry, and my brain works like poetry.  So, while I can write other forms, many genres, I am, I think, a poet.  But my poems don't sell books.  They don't do anything really, except express myself.

I worked as a journalist, an instructor in community college, a tutor, and a rather poor laborer in about 30 different warehouse, industrial, retail jobs.  As a journalist I loved my work, but found it financially unrewarding.  I then would satisfy my feelings of being unrewarded by thinking my work would encourage others or help them find good work.  I used to believe that the world would respond to my offers of good reading material, interviews with talent, people who deserve more attention and support.  But they never did.

I used to believe that voting for candidates in the hopes of their being moral would achieve some sliver of higher morality in politics.  But that for sure never happened.

I am not suggesting that I think any politicians are moral, let alone Trump or HRClinton being moral.  I didn't vote for them.  But some are more than others.

My life is better for having lived in the US, with middle class devoted parents.  My life is not now nor has it ever been bad.  But it is and has been painful.  In fact, I thank makers of various medicines.  I thank the makers of various surgical techniques and cancer finding technology.  I would have been dead in a previous century by 34 years old due to things that happened.  But in the present, I live.  But, I have had four more times where a doctor told me that I should be dead.  So I know that I am "lucky".  In fact, if I had been a sperm/egg fetus in the present I would have been removed.  I'd have been aborted since my biological DNA providers met due to Rape.  I'd not exist if I had been creation later.  However, I'd be dead in the past, at an earlier age, than in the present.  But I wouldn't exist in the current era, right now, due to Abortion rights.

So here I am.  Who am I?  I don't know.

"Bushido is realized in the presence of death.  This means choosing death whenever there is a choice between life and death. There is no other reasoning." Tsunetomo Yamamoto

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

The Devil That was Chosen

When you chose a candidate who does not believe in science, and only in capitalism, especially the sort of capitalism that robs humanity of resources, that pollutes, that harms the common good, you have made a choice that will be paid out upon future generations.  While I feared the future of constant and pointless war under Hillary Rodham Clinton, we now face an America where despoilage of the earth will be sanctioned, and encouraged.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

CONAN, one muscular sonuvabeach

Robert E. Howard created the character and world of Conan, the Barbarian.

The works are vibrant accounts of a man of action, who has lived by the law of the sword and steel.  His goodwill towards any other person can be seen as pragmatic, but additionally, the character is himself not evil, so much as not having a great spiritual character to guide him.  In fact, his instincts towards heroism, and honor are guided by his world as much as his beliefs.  And facing the barbarism, he is a reflection of that, at the same time as he stands as a commentary upon civilization, where polite speech and manners are hiding the still dark hearts inside.

Most of Robert E. Howard's works have entered public domain, but his character Conan is trademarked and is the property of Disney.  Various attempts have been made over the decades to interpret the character through more literature, movies, cartoons, and role playing games.   Through the acquisition of the license to use the character and world, these attempts have stood in the lack of more work from the dead author.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Voting for the devil.

November 2016... I fear that the choice I have of someone who I believe is part of the massive machine of politics that will entrench us further in amoral government social engineering, versus someone who I consider to be a racist, a liar, and an all around jerk, is one of choosing between lesser evils.  I do not operate upon that principle.  If people believe that narrowly defined centrism, with two highly sides of that coin, one left of center, one right of center, and both completely full of crap, then they are allowed to do so, and in America it is the norm.  But I believe we can and should do more, and do better.   I've just reached a place of despair that anything will ever change.

“Civilizations die from suicide, not by murder.”― Arnold Joseph Toynbee

And I believe that the United States, land of freedoms, commercial opportunities, hope and fairness, has slowly decayed from a bright shining light, a beacon of light upon the hill to others, to being the Whore of Babylon.  I am sure others have said it, but there are people who likely have thought this long ago before the actual decline.  The fear of the fall preceded the fall.  Read Revelation 17:4–18  and make your own decisions.

My reasons are not anti-woman (regarding the term whore) nor do I believe that I am speaking as any sort of authority.  But America offers porn, gold, free behavior that can be considered immoral and without penalty.  I am not aiming at gay marriage, I think that is a civil matter, not one about the Christian social acceptance of gay people.  This is not aiming at the values of people regarding sex.  I believe that part of free will is having the ability to make your own spiritual and moral choices.  

“Of the twenty-two civilizations that have appeared in history, nineteen of them collapsed when they reached the moral state the United States is in now."  Arnold Joseph Toynbee

But I do believe many of the things that used to be considered wrong are now considered to be "one's own business".  It used to be, for instance, that the proper path of courtship was meeting someone, becoming acquainted perhaps by dating or friendship, then the relationship moves forward to a more serious path, with being a couple if not altogether marriage being the goal.  Upon that point the couple would couple, so to speak, and pursue having a family.  In the present people become attracted, have sex, have more sex to decide if the person is interesting, then date, and perhaps in the end find themselves married or being a couple. It might sound that I am judging, and I am, but only in the sense of saying, times have changed, and what is considered a value or moral, is something that is no longer so commonly shared.

“One day the last portrait of Rembrandt and the last bar of Mozart will have ceased to be — though possibly a colored canvas and a sheet of notes will remain — because the last eye and the last ear accessible to their message will have gone.”  Oswald Spengler

In the US we can watch porn if we have the internet or dvd players.  We can pursue lives on a wide variety of career paths, often seeking the career that will produce the most money as a reward.  There no longer is the notion of following one's own path and hoping money will follow.  Or worse, we encourage people to enter the military, to "better themselves", and then we use their bodies, we break their spirit of loyal service, and are training a society of future wars.   Television shows feature lives of others.  Reality television is the great majority of programming.  We long for intimacy but without the commitment.  Society has cleaved across lines of determining, what is important still, and what are we willing to do preserve what is important, some are seeking morality, some are fleeing from it.

“We have seen, then, that certain socioeconomic changes, notably the decline of the middle class and the rising power of monopolistic capital, had a deep psychological effect... Nazism resurrected the lower middle class psychologically while participating in the destruction of its old socioeconomic position. It mobilized its emotional energies to become an important force in the struggle for the economic and political aims of Germain imperialism.”  Erich Fromm

What proof is there?  America is a wealthy powerful country, one who is fighting against forces of militant religious and social conservatism across the globe.  The treasures of the empire are spent upon weapons of war, and the youth have become accustomed to the fact of constant war.  Video games desensitize our children and adults, making killing others who may simply be defending their own home simple.  We have a society that pays its gold to soldiers to fight to secure the oil that fuels American mass consumer culture.

“Sick cultures show a complex of symptoms such as you have named...but a dying culture invariably exhibits personal rudeness. Bad manners. Lack of consideration for others in minor matters. A loss of politeness, of gentle manners, is more significant than is a riot.”  Robert A. Heinlein

 I believe that we have made our own hell.  Now we have to choose which devil to lead it.  Choose the same leading forces of hell, or choose a new leader of hell.