Saturday, October 1, 2016


I am waiting for someone to tell me that it was worth it.  But I am aware that life is completely without logic, without reason.  It is absurd.  What is there to reward life's work?

Is it money?  Well I've never been someone who, even in my personal poverty, valued money over my time.  A person once asked me for an hour of my time, in exchange for a raffle ticket that could win pie in the sky winnings, I wasn't interested.  He then promised me one of three prizes, 50 dollar gift card at restaurant, a big tv, or a entertainment center or some damn thing.  I told him, I value five minutes of my time far more than any of those things.  The sound of the other side of the phone was one of shock.  He said he'd given away so many 50 dollar gift cards and such just for a person's time, that he was shocked.  He asked again, this time saying, for a mere 30 minutes of your time I promise you can have a tv or spiffy entertainment center.  Now, if I was not moved for 5 minutes of my time, it would surely not happen for the 30 minute request.  He said sir, I beg you, tell me what you do that is so valuable?  I said, I value my time to read, sleep, talk to my wife, be with my cats more valuable than things.  The person on the other end of the phone said, there is first time for everything, and sir, you are easily someone I'd would say to be unique.  Maybe I am.  I don't really care.

Is it recognition?  Really not.  If I were desirous of recognition in poetry, I'd go through channels of academia and journals.  I'd submit repeatedly and ape their style and prompts.  If I were desirous of recognition in Christian life, I'd stop swearing, I'd start posting verse, I'd start addressing the world through the lens of a proper Christian.  But I am not one.  I believe in doing things properly.  But the journey to heaven is a narrow path.  I don't presume to teach, I don't presume to know more than others in the world of Christian theology.  I do know who I am, and that by my knowledge of and living in the ways of Christ, I will not be spat out like lukewarm water.  So my words are not pronouncements, they are reports from the frontline.  I try as a poet to be transparent and report truth.  As a person who is a Christian that means I am visible to everyone looking in, warts, failures and flaws inclusive.  I am made of meat.  My spirit will live, but meat will fade.

Is it stuff?  I waver here.  I collect books, comics and various hockey cards.  I kind of find my reward here.  However, if you ask my son, my best friend, or any of the people who received a shit load of my gifts, I am generous and not selfish.  So, yes I collect, and pursue, but never over the personal needs, or to the extreme of financial burden.  I know some wealthy people who look upon others who don't buy as much, or as well with disdain.  Well that is on them.  Not me.  I know some people who literally work harder to buy more stuff.  I never have done this.  I live within the limit of my extra finances.

So if not money, if not recognition or stuff, what is there?  I am a poet; the kisses of cats, the wind in my face that cools our bodies in summer, poetry, children giggling, beauty, hope, and joy are all the rewards of my life.  Everything else that exists is meant to teach me, or help me learn. Writing this I think I've figured out the reward.  Love.  It is all that matters.

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