Friday, September 30, 2016

The Women in my life.

My mother would be 90 this year, but she passed away in October of 2012.   She is in my heart of memories, and I long to see her again, walking so fast as she always did, in those eternal Elysian fields. She did, however, get to live some extra special life prior to her being stolen by Alzheimer's disease.  She loved being with my son, and truly was more life of any party any of us had ever seen.   His memory of her will be fleeting, but mine will never fade. My mother was a stern perfectionist, but she also had to be, as she came from a poor family and worked her way into a very respectable middle class life with her husband, my father.   I miss my dad too, but, the echo of my memories of my mom continue to linger in me, and they'll never be anything but loss.  But my life now has inheritances from my parents, despite being adopted and therefore not inheritances of the flesh.  My father was a planner, and my mother would have made a deadline even if the end of the world was happening the day before it.  When I faced cancer after a year of mourning for my mother, I was so far ahead on all my projects, I still wasn't late, and that kind of determination and planning doesn't always come by nature.

The woman who changed my life by loving me has been my wife since June 11, 1988.  Beth is more than my wife though, we are best friends.  I find her as beautiful today as I did then, and I found her quite beautiful then.  A great many people could see the two of us as being quite different, and we are that.  She grew up in a much higher status neighborhood, and a larger family.  She was/is Canadian, with Scots/Irish roots.  I was nothing like that and my roots I only found out long after we were connected.  My wife desperately wanted a child, and I was fine with adopting, while she was moved by primal urge to have one with both of our DNA.  It was a journey that was dangerous, torturous and long, but we ended the journey with my son.  He is a miracle, and his name in Hebrew Jonathan Cha'im is "YAHWEH has given""Life".  Beth and I share a deep faith in God, we are both Christians, but, whereas she comes by faith through reason and Apologetics, I am emotional, intuitive, and moved by the "spirit".  Somehow together, we have a complete being.  With our child we created a reason for our having been together, and now, I stare into the future with a son going off to college someday soon, a wife being very successful in her work, and me?  writing poetry.

A person who I loved and found myself to be kindred to was Cathy Roberts.  She was one of my wife's best friends and when we gathered, with friends or family, Cathy and I could spend the time speaking and the world would disappear.  We were entirely sympatico, and she and could finish the other's sentence, and it wasn't a surprise that that was so.  We both have suffered depression, and Cathy also faced deeper issues with some inheritances of dark sadness, and other things that she couldn't fight the rest of her life.  She took her own life in August of 2014, and by doing so, I can scarcely mention her without breaking down.  I miss her desperately, and won't get to see her again, until I pass into the shadows, but, I hope I don't do so before my appointed time.  Now, who appoints it?  They can do so whenever they like, I am frankly ready to go, my bags are packed, my work upon the earth is finished, everything I consider important to do, I've done.  Aside from apologizing or making amends, I've done all that I am able, my work or destiny is fulfilled and life can move ahead smoothly without me.
That would seem to cover it all, except for the two fur covered ladies who kept me afloat during my cancer year, and who love me on a daily basis for as little as food in their dish, cuddles, and clean sand, and fresh water.  My Katya and Sophie are my darling reminders that God shows his love in many different ways, and I am content just to know them, rather than try to logically figure out how do I deserve such amazing, wild, loving, innocent creatures.  They move me, all the time.

I also have made some very special friends online, and my family remains important and ever present in my life.  Kris Orluck, my cousin Tom's wife is my most ardent supporter of my work.  There are many many more, friends from Italy, Israel, Ukraine, France, UK, Canada, and nearby.  I really should just call it what it is, I am blessed.  And no, I am not drunk, I am not high, I am simply in a place, where despite having little money personally, having little success or recognition, I am aware that there is love in my life, in heavy measure.  That I mourn the loss is because I had so much to lose.  I want to finish this short piece by saying, I do not regret the pain because it has made me stronger.  Every tear and every lesson learned goes to making me a better person.  I refuse to let anything stop me from loving more, trying harder, and being as good as I can be.  I am moral, but not enough.  I am generous but not enough.  I am hopeful but nowhere nearly enough.  I do not regret the pain, because learning to overcome that pain has made me stronger.

"Bushido is realized in the presence of death.
This means choosing death whenever there
is a choice between life and death. There is
no other reasoning." Tsunetomo Yamamoto

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