Thursday, December 24, 2015

So I am me, and some dislike that.

The Banner is Raised

“Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free.”     RUMI

In the world we live in, I am expected to accept certain things.  And I do not.  What that does is leaves me in pain, in disharmony with others, and outcast.  So I exist.  And to some people, the people who tell me I suck, I serve as a form of pest, or something that causes stress.  It isn't my fault, but to them, my very existence challenges their notions of fairness.

I am not a person of great wealth, nor am I a person of great ambition in that regard.  I write, and the works I complete are works of love, and to create a legacy for my son.  If they ever are noticed, I hope they are, he will reap the benefit.  It would never be me.  I am not a person of great popularity, nor do I cultivate such dreams.  To do so would stroke my ego, and as a Christian who pursues his faith nearly as a Buddhist or Daoist, attempting to kill my ego to know God more, I do not find that I am constructed of the proper materials to become popular, nor am I inclined to do so.

But this is not all to say woe is me.  I realize it can be perceived as such.  I just realize that I am a square peg in a world of round holes, and no matter how hard the hammer might smash, I don't fit.  God made me in a way to realize how different I am, and in the last 5 days I've been made aware of the many times my life was saved, when I could easily have died.  I've been told by four doctors in the last 12 years that I should have been dead four times.  Adding to that the virtual death sentence that was my inception and birth in 1963 of rape, the knowledge that in the present the biological mother information makes it very clear that I would have been aborted.  This is all to say, I have a purpose.  I am meant to exist.  Even if I am not certain yet why.

I know, I know, why not.  Why not exist?  Well that isn't the point.  I have a beautiful wife, God truly blessed me with her.  My son is a reminder of how very good God is.  And honestly, my two cats are gifts from God.  They show me love, and give affection every single day.  So, I am not shitting on the gifts of love I've received.  The gifts of life too, I do not despise or spat upon.

But, here I am.

I exist now quite soberly not trying to escape purpose.  I've lived trying to bear the banner of Christ.  I've tried to live as a knight of Christ in the modern world.  All I am, all I can ever be, is found in the fact that my word is my bond.  My sword is my mind, and I've educated it well.  My heart is moral.  I do not cheat or lie.  And I do forgive others.

I am a failure to some because I do not make money, or, rather, enough money.  But I believe that is as much an indictment of modern capitalist society as it is anything else.  I fail.  I rise.  I am here.  Now is the time for me to move forward, and I am.

Happy 2016.  Happy Festive holidays, whatever you celebrate.  God bless you.

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