Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Crimes of the mind, but not of the heart

“Lovers and madmen have such seething brains,
Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend
More than cool reason ever comprehends.
The lunatic, the lover and the poet
Are of imagination all compact:
One sees more devils than vast hell can hold,
That is, the madman: the lover, all as frantic,
Sees Helen's beauty in a brow of Egypt:
The poet's eye, in fine frenzy rolling,
Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth to heaven;
And as imagination bodies forth
The forms of things unknown, the poet's pen
Turns them to shapes and gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name.” 


Sometimes in life events crush you.  Other times, your lack of self esteem does that job.  But I am a person who tries to be utterly honest with myself.  And so, I recognize that I've not made an enormous amount of friends in life, and that most people do not think of me in a personal, close, or friendly way.  There are reasons for this that I could explain, but I don't feel like writing a book regarding it.  Suffice to say, I hold people to unfair standards, perfectionist standards, and I never really saw that before because of my own moral perfectionism.  I do not judge others for their lives, or beliefs, I would for how they treated me.  My list of former friends is bigger than real friends, by far.  I am ashamed of that.  But, I can't change certain things.  It is very hard for me to have the freedom to choose a friend, or stay a friend, and have that person betray or hurt me.  Once that is done, I tend to jump out of the plane yelling Geronimo, with, or without parachute.

So, at some point it becomes a good idea to list what you know, and reflect.  This isn't because you know what is wrong or right, but the very opposite.  By looking at the things you believe and how it affects others, you can make changes.  Unless you don't do that sort of thing.

For example, here are some reflections that I have considered.

I am not anti-wealth.  I am against giving the wealthy advantages that others with far less money or opportunity do not receive. 

I am not anti-immigrant.  I am against people taking what other people dutifully earned.  America is truly stronger in my view for its multi ethnic fabric.  We should encourage legal immigration, and do so in ways to advance the idea that we are better for a new voice, but that we refuse to listen to any voice, unless it has gone through the steps we present for fair reward of citizenship.

I am not anti-science.  I simply think that the absence of evidence is not absence of existence.  I believe in an unbelievably ancient earth, and I refuse to accept that humans have only been here mentally intelligent for 5 or 6 thousand years.  I am unable to prove anything, but has to do with the catastrophes that destroyed civilizations, rather than their non-existence.

I am not anti-social.  I am an introvert who is hurt and caused pain by interaction socially.  I have mental disorders that combine to make numbers, input, and volume a concern of mine in social situation.  If I am unable to control my setting, I often get panic attacks and get overwhelmed.

Although I am working towards happiness, I am not happy.  Sadly I have chronic and acute depression.  It robs me of many moments of joy.

I am not able to give to others what I do not have.  While I mean this socially, and inter-personally, many believe that if they want something they deserve getting that.  I am not saying desire of something is wrong, but I avoid desiring things so greatly that I lust for them, whatever the object of my desire might be.

I am not alone.  I have friends, family and beloved people in my life.  I cannot really explain it, but, although I am a mess regarding my mind, heart and flesh, I am content that I've lived and done mostly my best considering.

All I can do thereafter, is pray, reflect, and try harder.

“Perhaps a lunatic was simply a minority of one. At one time it had been a sign of madness to believe that the Earth goes round the Sun; today, to believe the past is inalterable. He might be alone in holding that belief, and if alone, then a lunatic. But the thought of being a lunatic did not greatly trouble him; the horror was that he might also be wrong.” 

George Orwell

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