Tuesday, July 21, 2015

So why bother at all...

"It is better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees"

Emiliano Zapata

Although a number of people thought of me, and told me so, that I was rebellious towards authority, I was not.  I treated authority with respect, and had no issues with people being of higher authority than me.  I had issues, as most people do, with people desiring to be followed for no good reason.  But, that is not the issue I am going to discuss.  I am a square peg.  I am not a conformist.  Therefore I am almost always going to fail.  The world demands round pegs, to fit the round holes it has to fill.  Being someone who fails I recognize that I will not always fail, but there is a term describing this disease.   I suffer from fatalism.  With chronic depression, social anxiety, PTSD, and more, it is very easy to assume that whatever I attempt will end in failure.  It kept me from meeting a great many people in life, or trying to discover who was interesting to me.  I forced the world to pursue me.  And that isn't healthy, because not all who pursue are holy in their quest.

"cedere nescio"
I suffer from fear of others but, strangely, not fear of the unknown.  I can accept failure, I fail regularly.  I do the things I am supposed to do, I endeavored to achieve scholastic goals, and I tried to gain employment with the degrees I had.  It never happened, I failed.  My father assumed I failed on purpose, he actually told me that.  I had place 300 resumes and made follow up calls, I drove around the Midwest applying, and the jobs in my field were not going to be given to me, I was not made for them.  My grades were mediocre after having suffered from the various issues already mentioned, I had other issues unspoken, and honestly, if you can hire a European history/American history teacher in a community college you win.  I was a World history/Asia/Ancient history fella.  I taught a year course for some teens, I tutored, and I did work one semester in US and European history at a community college, but, those were temporary.

"Cras es Noster"
The failing though, of finding a permanent job, was not an Achilles like wound.  Because I was then allowed to be the stay at home father for my son.  My wife made far far more money than I could even should I have been an adjunct faculty member at a community college.  But they didn't really want me to teach in their schools for reasons I mentioned prior.  And then, once my son grew into more than a toddler I found out that the internet made my introversion no longer an issue.  I was able to use my skills as a writer to join society, being shy was no longer chains around me, and I began to become a person I felt that I was born to become.

I might never achieve a great work, but as a poet I've exposed my soul, and my heart to every viewer/reader.  Every wound is visible, every love is clear to see.

So why bother at all?  Because I had hope.  I hope.

I used to blame hope.  Because hope without fruition is actually quite painful.  And the more you hope, the more potential there is for failure.  And the more you fail, the more chances there are for losing everything, including hope.  So, I measure hope with fruition, but, also, I realize much of life is not in my hands.  In fact, I believe that deeply, without even referring to any religious truths or beliefs.  The world outside my mind and heart seems to function upon an ideal that you can make a difference.  And perhaps one can, but it requires a great deal of factors to be in your favor before it happens.

But, even then, I bother at all, because I have hope.

“It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

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