Although a number of people thought of me, and told me so, that I was rebellious towards authority, I was not. I treated authority with respect, and had no issues with people being of higher authority than me. I had issues, as most people do, with people desiring to be followed for no good reason. But, that is not the issue I am going to discuss. I am a square peg. I am not a conformist. Therefore I am almost always going to fail. The world demands round pegs, to fit the round holes it has to fill. Being someone who fails I recognize that I will not always fail, but there is a term describing this disease. I suffer from fatalism. With chronic depression, social anxiety, PTSD, and more, it is very easy to assume that whatever I attempt will end in failure. It kept me from meeting a great many people in life, or trying to discover who was interesting to me. I forced the world to pursue me. And that isn't healthy, because not all who pursue are holy in their quest.
|"Cras es Noster"|
I might never achieve a great work, but as a poet I've exposed my soul, and my heart to every viewer/reader. Every wound is visible, every love is clear to see.
So why bother at all? Because I had hope. I hope.
I used to blame hope. Because hope without fruition is actually quite painful. And the more you hope, the more potential there is for failure. And the more you fail, the more chances there are for losing everything, including hope. So, I measure hope with fruition, but, also, I realize much of life is not in my hands. In fact, I believe that deeply, without even referring to any religious truths or beliefs. The world outside my mind and heart seems to function upon an ideal that you can make a difference. And perhaps one can, but it requires a great deal of factors to be in your favor before it happens.
But, even then, I bother at all, because I have hope.
“It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl