Tuesday, April 28, 2015

When I Dream


I was asked if I might ever do a book based on my dreams, since to the person asking I have many lucid dreams.  But what I remember are moments in my dreams, really, and not many of those.  But there are people who write from dreams.  Rick Veitch had a series called Roarin' Rick's Rare Bit Fiends where in he illustrated stories directly told by memories of dreams, his own, and those from people who sent in their recollections of their dreams.

I do dream.  I have met people who claim not to do that.  But I don't remember many, not probably more than one or two per month at most of my dreams.  What I do remember of my dreams is not enough for a story.  I have dreams that are of happiness where the setting is always in Duluth MN or Neillsville WI.  I have nightmares in a never ending factory where I am trying to hide from a robot trying to kill me.  I think the dreams I remember the least of are the sex dreams, maybe because those aren't really dreams but warnings sent by my penis straight to my brain.

I don't think dreams for a creative person are the same as for people in other fields.  When I am working on something especially if I am really enjoying my work, my dreams either don't happen at all or they are entirely mundane.  I've heard the same from other people, far more talented and creatively successful than myself.

I was not intending, by the way, to compare myself to others here.  I realize working artists, in writing and image, film and performance, are far more talented than me.  I am just answering a question.  I do think dreams are very interesting.  And people who have lucid dreams are very interesting to listen to when they describe their memories of their dreams.


I was in so much pain the other day that I wondered if it was really worth living long enough to be considered "old".  I am not suggesting I would do anything like take my own life, I was just flooded by memories of my grandparents, and my parents, who I miss greatly, and thought, I know they were in pain, what were they waiting here for.  That is, some people, like my father (he passed away in 1998) had said since the mid 1980s that he was ready to die, and probably would die soon.  My mother said no he is not, and she was not going to die any time soon.  She died at the age of 86 in 2012.  She loved life, had a wild time, and Alzheimer's stole her from us.

Now her father, my grandpa, had had a stroke and did not fully recover from it, and was not altogether living a happy existence.  He didn't care for family visits in his nursing home, he spent his days napping, eating, and listening to the news.  I would visit  him, even on my own, and, he was just content being alone.  Nothing wrong with that, but, I imagine he was not so much trying to live forever, as he was trying to endure.  This isn't really to investigate his life, or end of his life, just that, he seemed content being alone, being limited as he was with the stroke keeping him from speaking clearly, he just didn't want company.  He had a single room, and I think that was the thing he liked most.  He passed in 1980 I believe, and was I think ready to check out.  I could be wrong, and I surely don't mean to speak for him.

I don't altogether want to die, but, I am as ready as I will ever be for it.  I love my family and friends.  I have forgiven the people who have wounded me.  And I've done as much as I can creatively, because I don't have the talent to illustrate my own works, so writing is all I have.

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