Friday, March 6, 2015

Thank you

“What is a rebel? A man who says no” 
Albert Camus

I survived cancer, injuries to my back, tailbone and hips, the loss of my mother to Alzheimer’s, and much more, in a span of 3 years.  I had various projects succeed, but many more collapse, for whatever reason.  In the midst of the sorrow and pain, I was lost.  I prayed, I was honorable, I lived by my word, I said what I meant, and lived by what I said.  Having cancer simply showed me how some people abandon ship, and others help without measure of their own cost.  I went through a great deal during cancer treatment, including nearly dying of a staph infection.  And in August of 2014 a person I loved committed suicide.  She was someone who I felt was my soul twin in many respects.

But aside from all that, I survived, quite surprising me.  And then I had to deal with the fact that I was alive, and had been saved for some destiny.  Yes, I believe in that.  In a different form than prior to cancer, to be sure, but I was alive.  I had some issues that had to be addressed regarding PTSD from the surgeries and treatments and the staph infection.  I had memory loss from an all encompassing anxiety that soon covered my life, and made me withdraw into a private shell that few were allowed to enter.  The world outside my office and bedroom became very scary places.  The new meds I went on helped, but, I am still in pain from many things.  I had friends abandon me during my deepest pain and times of sorrow.  That is ok.  They can do that.  I know who love me, and I love them as well.

But the point, yes I have one, is that during my cancer I was able to survive.  And one avenue of strength came from family, some from friends, some from strangers.  My faith in God helped, and I read a lot of Albert Camus, and it strengthened my resolve, since I believe his words were truth, regardless of context, era of writing, or personal application of the words.  They worked for me.

Despite being amazed by the world, both in good ways and otherwise, I survived.  The world might well have issues, but I am able to say, most people are good, and my heart is thankful to those who helped me survive.

"The evil that is in the world always comes of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. On the whole men are more good than bad; that, however, isn't the real point. But they are more or less ignorant, and it is this that we call vice or virtue; the most incorrigible vice being that of an ignorance which fancies it knows everything and therefore claims for itself the right to kill. There can be no true goodness, nor true love, without the utmost clear-sightedness."  Albert Camus

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