I am no longer interested in the act of lying to myself about my chance of succeeding in the world I live in.
Is this me complaining, yet again? No. I might have wondered why people, friends, family, colleagues, people who collect exactly what I produce, ignore it. I've wondered why people who love my poetry blog have no interest in the books I have with my poetry in them. Despite the number of visitors to my blog being high, relatively, I have little to no support from them. I write for the purpose of expression. I write to speak in public. Not everyone succeeds who attempts to do so. Not everyone who has talent is sanctioned by society with financial success. I do not blame anyone for their choices. I am not owed a living by society because I have a voice. Popularity does not equate talent or quality of work. Popularity does allow those who do have talent to create great works. Lack of popularity prevents those with talent, but no support, from creating as much as they could.
I do believe that my work is good. But perhaps I receive the exact amount of support regarding sales, as I deserve. I have only my hope to keep me afloat. Hope without fruition however burns inside. I get asked if I make money enough to survive as a poet. No, I do not. I have spent a lifetime writing, and it is the only thing that I am fulfilled by. So I do not have any other choice. I had at one time counted the number of jobs I've taken, and been paid to do. The number of jobs that I have had and worked was over 30. The number that made me feel fulfilled was just as a writer. I am not going to suggest I was a good worker. While I am not lazy I find mindless tasks to be unbearable. I find being mocked at work for having been highly educated to be unbearable. I do not look at uneducated people working the same job as me as being lower than me, but somehow in most every job I was called names, and taunted for not being similar to those I worked next to, in a plant, office, store...
So, I am sorry. My wife deserves a husband who can do more than love her, care for her son, and do various jobs around the house. I am a good father. But I am not a provider, and never have been, regardless of societal, familial and gender based beliefs about the role of a male in a marriage/family. I have failed to provide. I do not provide. This is not a list of complaints, but an explanation. A writer writes. From an early age I knew it was my life destiny to write. But without success it feels like a curse, more than any blessing. I can't make myself succeed. All I can do is continue, and hope for the financial compensation to happen.
Here is a collection of the book covers of the works I've have done, alone or with others.
I am always working on my next project. Some of the projects involve other creative people. But, whatever is surrounding me, whatever life is showering upon me, I am always working on my next work. Some people think I am a fool to write instead of "work". Strangely, I write for more hours per week than many people "work". I consider my writing to provide a future legacy for my son, and his family. If it doesn't pay now, that doesn't mean, it won't be of value, monetarily or otherwise, in the future.
If you are reading this and thinking that I am feeling sorry for myself you are wrong. I am not. I am feeling wounded by life, in many areas, and surely, I agree, I'd like to make more money. But what I am feeling is a sense of determination to survive despite the lack of financial oxygen for me to exist. I do this because I must.
I do not place myself in any position without knowing it, nor without considering the consequences of my actions. For much of my life I have tried to fit in. This has met with failure. I do not fit in. Life hurts. I have three brain disorders that make fitting in almost impossible. I do not blame my lack of success upon that, I do blame them for making my life much more difficult than I'd like. But I am not in control of those things, and I have taken therapy and medicine to deal with them. I can do no more regarding that.
I look forward to writing. That is all I am able to do. And that is a good thing.