Monday, January 27, 2014


I long to dream and to sleep, and awake in far off grey lands.  Rather, I am mad and awake,  where the Huntmaster and the Great Hunt continue, every night, where dreams never live, and sleep is for the weak.

I long to dream instead of what I do, which is hide from daylight, and pray, so that I enter the grey lands, before morning comes.   I try, oh Lord I try.   But sleep and dreams escape me.

In dreams I am a king
In waking times I am a beggar.

I long to dream.
I long to sleep.
But it refuses to come.

Friday, January 3, 2014

When I say Farewell

I am cold, frozen, alone.  So I offered up my soul, so absent of caution.  I created this sacrifice of my being.  Who am I, Why am I, Where is my compassion?   I give in, the indiscreet realization that all I am, is flesh, clay with the dimmest spark, of life.

I have prayed, and have made offerings of my life.  But there is nothing I can do, to keep my soul from failing, you.   This constant struggle, this constant strife, has made me ill, beyond repair of word or deed.

And I stand before you nude.  Open to your insults, wounding, and shames.   I still stand before you. Take my heart, take my flesh, there is nothing left.   I am alone and cold, with my heart strings chewed straight through.  

This life was meant for another, I should have been left behind by my mother.   Another breath is too much, amen.

Who am I?   No one.
Why am I?  No reason to be.
Where is my compassion? I have burnt it to stay warm.
Am now, somehow, to be redeemed.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Bloody River

It is now in Belarus, but in the past it was considered to be in Russia.   The White Russia, as it was called was dangerous for it stood between invading European mainland armies, and Mother Russia.  The cold river, Berezina, was the source of many sorrows.   The river divided few people, it was no great barrier, but in wars tragedies occurred there.

Crows and ravens still circle the entry points, where La Grande Armée of Napoleon was all but slaughtered, left to die.    The Waffen SS shot and pushed the dead partisans, enemy soldiers and Jews into the river 130 years later.

The flow of water, and blood confluence there, still.

Who that enters the water in winter will freeze.  Yet La Grande Armée escaped due to the diligence of the engineers, almost all giving their lives to save others.

But there is more than cold, humans and events have made it a cursed place.

We never place ourselves in a fantasy world of failing.   We see the past as over, and rightfully so.   But the Berezina, so bloodied and cold, remains flowing, and the curse never ends.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Free from the flesh, freedom of the soul

The human world reminds us that there are rules to live by.   We are told how much we can do, take, give, and pay.   The biological world has rules too, nobody lives longer than a certain amount of time, we are not eternal in flesh.

But I believe that whatever else, the soul is eternal.  That thing within us that makes us unique was given to us, and it is up to us to live up to that gift.   The soul makes us different than any other person, not better, not worse, but different.

I look into my eyes, through the mirror and cannot see anything special.  I see no creature made of divinity ready to be freed, but should I be killed, a spear through my heart and flesh, perhaps that is when the soul is released.   

The bible tells us that only by the shed blood of the innocent can sins be released, and thereby and our soul be made free.    So perhaps I must die, so that my flesh can be shaken off, and my soul freed from its bondage.

I desire freedom.